Rancher Cliven Bundy looks like he could still be in a heap of trouble for having thoroughly ticked off Fedzilla and the Keebler elf himself, Harry Reid.
Being the peacemaking Christian that I am, herewith are ten ways Cliven Bundy could get the Feds off his backside and actually ingratiate himself to the big government droogies of the Left.
1. Bundy should fire his ranch foreman and hire Jay Carney who could effectively lie his butt off about Cliven’s cows. “Eating grass? His cows aren’t eating grass. What are you talking about? These are the most transparent, grass adverse, cows ever.”
2. Bundy should rename his ranch “Benghazi” , then the Feds would never show up. Ever.
3. Staying with the Benghazi motif, Bundy could also blame his cows’ raid upon the BLM’s grass flats the result of an anti-Muslim YouTube video. Case closed.
4. Bundy should start boldly smoking and selling grass versus having his cows eat the grass.
5. Bundy should become, for the remainder of his life, a vile race-baiter. If he sold nothing but hate towards whites and conservatives, he could owe the IRS two million in back-taxes and they’d include him during White House fundraisers and MSNBC would give him his own talk show. Problem solved.
6. Staying in the racist vein, Bundy could join the New Black Panthers Party, change his name to Shabrique Shazamm and intimidate all the white devils when they show up to vote during the upcoming midterms. Can you say, “Instant protection by the DOJ?”
7. Bundy should get gold-capped teeth, trade his cowboy hat in for a hoodie, walk around holding his crotch and say “mother-%&#$@” every other word. He’d be hailed as a victim and a poet. A victim poet, I tell you.
8. Bundy should build a mosque on Ground Zero. If he did that he’d own half of Nevada.
9. Bundy should start hanging out with Latin dictators and expand his enterprise from cattle ranching to a gun running operation for drug cartels south of the border. Do it, Cliven. Like, muy pronto.
10. Finally, and especially, Bundy should claim that he was the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain. If CB played the gay card they’d throw him a party at the White House and the BLM goons, wearing Daisy Dukes, would serve him and his posse a desert tortoise consommé.